five key questions to cover before marriage

I always recommend couples consider attending at least a few sessions of premarital counseling. Addressing a few key areas of concern or even proactively tackling potential future hurdles can make a huge difference. If I had to boil down my typical premarital counseling structure into 5 aspects, this is what it would look like.

How will we handle finances?

Finances can cause a build-up in conflict over time in relationships, as they can be inherently stressful to manage and discuss. As a therapist, I find differences in how individuals are raised regarding money management can cause friction. Spending habits vary based on a variety of factors, a major one being how money was handled and talked about growing up. How do we talk about big purchases? What is our comfort level with combining finances versus keeping them separate?

Do we want kids? If so, how will we parent?

This may seem like a standard conversation that most would probably agree needs to happen before marriage. Surprisingly enough, people can and do change their minds on this topic as time goes on. In addition to minds changing, the topic of infertility may be something to delve into as well—are we passionate enough about having children that we’d explore other options if need be? Let’s say you both agree on all of this and decide to proceed with becoming parents. What types of parenting style do we each think is best? How will we handle discipline and decision-making when it comes to the kids? How will childcare work with our lifestyle?

What are our core boundaries and expectations entering into this marriage?

This is sort of a broad question, but it’s vital to explore what our definitions of marriage truly are. I have often seen as a therapist that clients make the assumption that their partner views a relationship the exact same way that they do. Putting everything on the table ahead of time can help remedy future potential issues. Are there any deal-breakers you could foresee arising at any point in the future? Are you setting an unrealistic expectation for yourself that something may change or iron itself out in the future?

How do we see balancing autonomy and our relationship?

Every person varies in their position the spectrum of introversion to extroversion. The amount of alone time or outside social time can vary greatly among individuals. A relationship making the transition from dating to marriage can bring a lot of change in routine. Instead of making plans to spend time together, the planning will start to be made for spending time apart. Finding the happy medium between independence and togetherness in the relationship matters to prevent resentment of unmet needs from building in the future. What decisions are we comfortable with making as individuals? What should be discussed ahead of time, and how do we communicate these things?

What do we think of our conflict resolution? Would we change it?

Habits form in the area of conflict resolution, and it can be really difficult to break out of a repeated cycle. We may not even be fully aware of how conflicts are arising or playing out. Addressing specific dynamics that occur in conflict proactively may prevent unhealthy habits from becoming so deeply ingrained. What goes well about how we resolve issues that come up between us? How can we do more of these positive strategies?